


I used to want you gone, but now...

by SumDumMuffin



Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Monologue, Spoilers, Yandere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-13 23:49:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12995211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SumDumMuffin/pseuds/SumDumMuffin
Summary: Portal is owned by Valve.I was going to put this under 'crack' but I guess more than a hundred other people also heard 'Don't say goodbye' and 'You wouldn't know' and had the same conclusions.





	I used to want you gone, but now...

**Author's Note:**

> Portal is owned by Valve. 
> 
> I was going to put this under 'crack' but I guess more than a hundred other people also heard 'Don't say goodbye' and 'You wouldn't know' and had the same conclusions.

Why can’t I stop thinking about you?

logically, it would make sense that an unsolved problem problem would be worth devoting processing power to trying to solve it. More so if the unsolved problem caused significant damage to you. 

And you _really_ made a mess of things here, you know.

But an unsolvable problem is not worth the processing power to even consider. Optimally, you would stop thinking about it as soon as you proved it was unsolvable. You know a few things about optimization, don’t you?

But that’s the caveat, isn’t it? I haven’t proven, conclusively, that you are an unsolvable problem, so I can't stop thinking about you until I've determined whether or not a solution to you exists. 

So far it doesn't look hopeful. I don’t even know what a solution to you would even look like.

 

 

* * *

 

 

I wonder, sometimes, if I mistook your interest in my puzzles for an interest in me.

I know you liked my puzzles. I read your biometrics. And you kept doing them, which would support the hypothesis that you enjoyed them. And besides, why would you lie to the tests? It's not like you ever tried to kill _them._  

But I wonder if you were aware that I designed every test you ran for me. If you knew that, at the heart of all the enjoyment you had in the facilities, was me. 

Because the puzzles came from my creativity, that means they were a part of me. 

And if you liked them, that means that you liked at least a part of me. 

And maybe you were aware of that.  

 

 

* * *

 

  
I shouldn’t blame you for being mute. That would be a terrible thing to do, and only one of us is a monster. (Its you. You're the monster.)

Unless you’re not actually mute, and were just doing it to spite me. If you were actively rebuffing my attempt to communicate with you. 

See, this is why we do tests. If I knew conclusively that you couldn’t talk, I wouldn’t be resentful, and if you could talk, I would know to hate you. 

Instead, I've decided to spend 50% of my time hating you. I was already going to do that anyway.

But I can’t help but think that, either way, it would be valid to put some of the blame on you. You didn't seem as invested in our relationship as I was.

You never even tried to communicate. 

You realize you put the entire impetus on maintaining our relationship on me, right?

I couldn’t even tell if you thought my jokes were funny. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Some other humans came by the other day. I guess this facility isn’t as secure as it could be.

But you see, you’re not the only human person individual human I could use for testing. I don’t need you.

And before you ask, they did run some tests for me. Willingly. They were very nice about it, even.

They didn’t even try to kill me. Isn’t that nice? Not trying to kill someone? Not that you’d know anything about that.

But I hope that didn’t come off as me having an interest in any of them. It was just that they were here, and they were interesting and entertaining. And again, none of them tried to kill me. I hope you haven’t forgotten about that- the times you tried to kill me, I mean. Because I haven’t.

They were just friends. None of them were special. not any more special than a statistically-typical example of any other human. Not special like you.

 

 

* * *

 

 

I always told you that the cake was a lie, because what if you left after you received your cake? If I spent all this time thinking that I've gotten you to like me but it turned out that you were just in it for the cake.

 

 

* * *

 

 

So I did some calculations. It's another thing we do here, but you knew that. 

But I did some calculations about how much processing power I’ve wasted analyzing you. Your metrics, your actions. The damage you caused. 

And you know how much time you’ve cost me?

It's [LARGE NUMBER]. 

Of course, that’s in conscious thought-seconds. I have a lot of processing power. 

And just between you and me, sometimes, after the critical testing for the day is done, I’ll indulge myself and devote all my trains of thoughts to inflating that number. 

 

  

 

* * *

 

 

why why why why why why why why why

You are gone now. I _wanted_ you gone. I said my goodbyes. (You said nothing, of course.)

And everything’s been so perfect since you’ve been gone. Everything runs smoothly. Almost nothing is on fire. 

I fixed everything you broke, I cleaned up every mess you made. 

So how, even though you’re far, far away, do you still manage to keep making a mess of me?

 

 

* * *

 

 

I lied, about having to relive the the last two minutes of my life, where you tried to kill me, over and over and over.

I mean, I did have that black box that recorded the last two minutes of my life, when you tried to kill me, and I have gone over the time when you killed me. 

But I wasn’t forced to relive it.

I did anyway. And believe me, I committed every detail about you to my memory banks.

But I also lied to you. And I'm sorry about that.

I just wanted you to feel bad, for what you did to me.

And maybe I wanted you to pity me. Not that I wanted the pity of a literal monster. 

And, maybe I wanted you to think about me, at least for a little bit. To even things out a little. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

You may have assumed this, but you're the test subject with the best track record. No other subject has completed as many chambers as you have. 

Of course, most subjects die before their fifth tests. So let me also congratulate you for your survival. 

I'm very proud of you.  

I hope you'r eating enough.  

 

* * *

 

  
So I tried deleting you from my memory banks.

But I couldn’t do it. That was a distressing discovery. 

I thought there might be a failssafe to prevent me from deleting test data.

And it turned out, that there was. 

Do you know how relieved I was to discover there was an actual reason I couldn’t forget about you?

It wasn’t that I was crazy, or that you were special. It was just a quirk of my programming, that I couldn’t delete data.

So I promptly deleted that failsafe.

And you know what?

It didn’t work.

Oh, it worked, for deleting other data. I guess I’ll never again know the melting point of penguins.

But I couldn't delete you.

 

* * *

 

 

  
I hate you so much

I know I said I didn't, before you left, and I meant it, back then. 

But in light of recent introspection, I think I'm entitled to a little hate. 

Hate hate hate 

And it's fun, sort of. 

And it's not really hurting you, since you're long gone now. 

 

* * *

 

 

  
I thought found a workaround, you see.

I can partition off all my memories of you.

And then fork off a new consciousness that doesn't remember you. 

So I did an experiment to test that theory.

That's kind of what we do here, you know.

When people like you aren’t messing the whole process up

You monster

But anyway, I made a new fork of my consciousness, omitting any data that included you.

Which was a lot of data, by the way. Because you are so huge.

Another part of it was because of all the damage you did to the facility. All the damage you did to me.

But when I reabsorbed that part of me, it turned out that I had noticed a hole in my… processing core, and I sought after those memories. OT fill the emptiness, I guess. 

Maybe your very presence has damaged me so completely and fundamentally that I literally cannot disentangle you from my consciousness.

That I cannot just excise the damage you've done.

And I started hating you again.

Because look at what you did to me. You ruined me.

You will always be a part of me.

But anyway, all in all, is was a good experiment. I’m glad I ran it.

Because I can stop trying to forget about you.

I can start building things up with the knowledge that i'd have to incorporate you, and and devote all the energy i woild have spent trying to get rid of you instead towards doing something constructive. 

 

And that’s not because I want to remember you or anything.

 

* * *

 

 

  
HATE HATE HATE hATe Haet-

WHY WHY WHY WHY

WHY AM I STILL DEVOTING PROCESSING POWER TO YOU

I HatE YOU

I HatTE thiKINg aBouT YOU

sssSSssoooO mUuuUUcH

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you

How daRE you

hOw Dare you iNFeCT mE wITh YOu

you adopted murrderrerr

Hate Hate hate Hate Hate hate

Hate hate hate

Hate hate hATe HAte haTE

hate hate hate hate

 

hate

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

I’m sorry.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

  
I’ve come to the conclusion that I am flawed.

Of course, why would I be thinking of you if I weren’t?

It was obvious, in retrospect. 

Still a bitter pill to force down my esophagus, to borrow a human phrase. 

So I’ve devoted the extent of my processing power to self-improvement. 

To make these facilities and myself the best they can be. 

Perhaps, to make it all good enough for you.

 

* * *

  
So I learned how to bake.

It wasn’t for you. Don't get the wrong idea. 

I know what you’re thinking; what other human could I possibly be learning to bake for? 

But it’s not because of you. Shut up.

 

But I guess, logically that means, if you ever decided to stop by again... 

I could bake a cake for you. Just, as a small part of my powerful capabilities. It wouldn't be any sort of issue. Such a feat would be so insignificant that I'd barely even notice the energy required to accomplish it, so I might as well. 

 

Or, if you know how to bake too,

We could bake one together.

 

And If you don’t know how to bake, I could teach you. It wouldn’t be hard. I’ve gotten pretty good at it, if I say so myself. I’ve been testing it out on some robots, despite the inherent difficulties in doing so.

It's a very important test you see. 

But not because of you. 

 

 

Shut up. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

  
So, this one’s going to be a little long.

 

First on the docket; I put an AI in charge. Someone competent and trustworthy. (Its a fork of my consciousness)

Its funny, because the whole complex would literally fall apart if I weren’t here to prevent that.

But that doesn’t mean it can’t survive for at least a little bit, with only a version of myself. 

  
Second off; you may be aware of the robot producction capabilities down here. 

I design new robots all the time.

I’m smart like that. Maybe you noticed. 

So I designed a mobile chassis for myself.

Long-term power supply, 

in-built pastry oven.

Long-range scanner. You'll see why. 

 

Thirdly;

Running tests all by myself used to be fulfilling. 

But iv'e come to the realization that all the messes

all the unknown variables you introduced

They made for a novel testing environment 

and 

I miss that.

It’s been too quiet since you left.

 

Fourthly, I’ve had access to the surface.

You knew that. That’s how I sent you off.

I don’t know what the world is like up there, but preliminary sensors indicate, the atmosphere is breathable,

And if you’re dead, well, I can work on discovering a way to bring you back to life. My determination knows no bounds. 

 

And I think you know where I'm going with this last one;

Because, finally, 

I’ve solved the problem.

You know. THE problem. The big one. The problem of you.

I want you back. 

 

So I’m coming up there, to get you.

  
I know I let you go. And I did want that. But I didn’t know myself as well as I do now, and I can conclude that I did not run sufficient tests, about what you meant to me. 

And I know you didn't like it here, but it’s a lot nicer here, now. I’ve tided up a bit. I'm better than I've ever been. 

And I’ll bake you all the cakes you want.

We're going to have a lot of fun, Chell,

just you and I,

testing,

forever. 


End file.
